There is a song I cannot get enough of lately. I sit at my desk, pushing paper, or drive around, or dance with Madelyn, constantly hitting ‘back’ on my ipod to listen one more time. It makes my spine tickle. It starts with a heavy throbbing orchestral whine. It ends the same way too. I love that. I love when a song is crashing into your ears, heavy with rock, and then is intertwined with an achy violin. Oooooh.
Today is my last day at work. In less than an hour I will come out of my branch director’s office, layoff notice in hand, and walk out the door past our horribly annoying security guard for the last time.
The. Last. Time. After four years.
It feels surreal actually. It feels like… Hmm. I can’t explain it, really. Let’s look at it differently.
If this were a movie, as I imagine so many moments in my life to be, there would be music playing as our protagonist picks up the four years in this office she has reduced down to a file room box. There would be a swell of an orchestra wrapping around her shoulders, down her leg and between each finger as she casts a glance around the room which leaves our audience wondering aloud: is she sad? No, she’s happy. Wait, I don’t know… what is she feeling? I can’t tell.
And she walks out the door. She’s hesitant. She’s moving very deliberately, very slowly. Maybe she is just as confused as the audience. She can’t decide what feeling is stronger. She is sad that she is leaving, and she is scared that she in uncertain about her future. But she is exhilarated that maybe, for the first time, she is making the absolute right choice for her. She isn’t picking the safe route, or the easy one. She won’t sit at a desk in a mediocre job surrounded by people who make her feel bad for being one of them. She might actually get the chance to have a fulfilling career; a job she is in love with, and excited about.
That song will be playing in my head when I leave here today and go into the unknown of my life before me. It feels emotional. It feels romantic It feels overwhelming. It feels good. It feels sad. It feels perfect. It feels like it’s the right decision.

Im going to start blogging again. I dont even know when I actually ’stopped’… I just did. But Im going to start again. After all, my impending layoff next week will provide many hours in the day I can flit away writing. Mmm.

But for seriousness, a real blog post will come this week, followed by more. I miss it, even if no one reads it!!

It seems like we were both trying so hard to break each other. You be the first, no you, no you. We both wanted to badly to win. To make the other one stumble back, eyes widened, and say ‘oh, i finally see.’ To fix the other. To make them understand. All we needed was to break through. Break in. Break out. Break… We broke. Maybe not each other, but we broke something. The opportunity? Maybe. Who knows that answer.
I know that I cant write. Not like that. Not anymore. And that makes me feel broken. So… maybe you did break me. Maybe you won.

Its funny, well, not funny… but all day bits and pieces fall into my head and scream to be written down. But then the moment always comes, and I sit… and I have nothing.

Food, Inc. is coming out this summer. I am so unbelievably jazzed for this movie. Please go see it. Please be aware of what you eat, and maybe start to make our society change and be aware of what we allow to be put into our bodies, and our childrens bodies. Be aware of what you are eating. Nothing is going to change until we start to demand it. Im not, in the slightest saying dont eat beef. Eat beef. Eat grass fed healthy non-industrialized beef. Im saying dont eat beef that has been fed grain and remains of chickens, dogs and other cows. That shit? Is so not right.

And also, if you never have, read this book. Theres more books, but this one is a good start.

Horrible Quality (thank you, Blackberry) but man, I freaking love this child.

I am thinking of starting a paper link chain around my cubicle… A little folded link for every week between now and December 30th. Every Friday I will ceremoniously cut through another link. Another week gone away. I am quitting December 30th. I am elated. I am going back to school. I am going to get a job I want to do. A job that means something to me. A job that isnt simply a paycheque . A job that makes being away from Madelyn all. day. long. worth it ub the end. Yeah, Im excited.
Can you tell?
Oh, the things I would say on my last day, if I had the balls, and sane coworkers.

Six and a half months. Sigh.

So… there’s a lot of talk going on at the Crawford-Baker homestead lately. Jer is going back to school. He’s been planning on doing this, well, talking about doing this, for years. Im glad he’s finally decided to go ahead and take the plunge. But its got me thinking. I know I want to go back to school. I know I want to get a degree. And a masters. And maybe even a PhD. So… maybe now is the time?
I started looking at courses on Human Resources. My Dad and step-mom are both in HR and I’ve long thought that sort of job would be fitting for me.
Im a people person. I like to help. I need a career that I can help people in. I need to feel satisfied.
We were driving home from the ferry Monday morning, listening to the cbc, as civilized folks often do, when a segment called ‘the hurried child’ came on. They had a psychologist sitting in talking about parents pushing their kids before they’re ready and the effects on socialization and esteem. I thought, God, what a perfect job. You get to help, you get to be with people, and you cannot leave that job without feeling some satisfaction in what you are doing.
Anyways, long story short, I started thinking about what it would take to become a psychologist. The answer: a lot of school. Obviously.
Part of my Dad’s job is helping people in their careers: finding the right path suited to their goals and their personality. He sent me an assessment and then we sat down and went over the results, and looked at fitting career paths for me. Second from the top was a psychologist. So I started thinking. And I started looking around at schools, and my options.
So… now Im debating between a couple of schools, and a couple of routes.
Do I quit my job, and go back to school full time? Try and condense my Bachelor of Arts – Psych into two years instead of four, so I can get on to my masters asap. And then work, and then after a couple practical working years, look at getting my PhD. I will accrue a lot of debt in student loans, and we will be living a much more modest lifestyle for the next few years.
Do I start taking all my courses correspondence, while still working full time, and crawl along to the finish line in the full four years plus the masters? We will be struggling to pay our bills and tuition, but come out the other side debt-free.
Do I scrap it and take the Business and HR route? With either student loans, or distance education.

Im so excited but Im freaking right out too. Im 26 years old. Im not going to be done until Im 30, at the earliest. As Jeremy has pointed out, school is not designed for adults with bills and kids and responsibilities. But I would have never thought of this kind of change when I was 18. And maybe age is actually on my side… Would you go see a 25 year old shrink??

The bottom line is this: I want a career I am happy in. I want a career I feel like Im doing something with. I want to be able to provide Maddy with everything and anything she wants (well, within reason and without allowing her to become a spoiled brat). I want th elife that I want. And the only person I know that can make that happen, is me.

So, now… I burry my head in my ipod and lose myself in Bat for Lashes… and I weight the options. And maybe look for some advice…?