She hates me, she hates me not…?

Thats a question thats been plaguing me. Seriously, for days.
But, before I start, I guess I should set the tone of this post by coming clean.  Jeremy and I… well, we didnt meet in the best way possible. Matter of fact, I still sometimes feels some guilt, maybe unnecessarily, over how we came to be.

I kind of knew who he was, I mean, I do listen to the radio station he happens to be on, but wouldnt have been able to pick him out of a crowd.
I called up his show one day, knowing full well that he was Mr. Music-around-town, asking about a favorite band of mine that was supposed to be playing a show that night. I knew he would be going.
Onwards to that evening, a couple of drinks in with a girlfriend of mine, and I cant take my eyes off of this guy, a geek really, wearing the radest sweatshirt. All night I watched the back of his head. And the girls arm entwined in his, her hand resting nicely on his hip.
Finally I found the courage (or, maybe it was the shove from my friend) and asked him about said shirt, from there it was myspace, and other shows, casual run ins, until one day he bravely asked to hold my hand, sent me the most romantic love emails and asked me when we got to get to all the ‘fun, I love you stuff’.
Beautiful, right? I think so.

But thats not the whole story.

The girl who laced her arm through his? She wasnt just no one. Just a faceless character in the story.  She was someone. She was a girl he was… well… I guess he was seeing her.
You see, he had just ended a very substantial relationship, and was nursing his wounds with a brunette nurse who had also just left someone. But from the night we met, we had eyes glued on eachother. We both wanted to follow through on an ‘us’.
I guess you could say I may have sort of befriended her, but… we werent really friends. We were aquaintances, we ran into eachother, we were on eachothers myspace friends list. But, we never went for coffee, or had a one on one chat.  I didnt know much about her, nor she about me. And, truth be told, I think she knew from the get-go that she had no hold on Jeremy, and that maybe I did.

At the end of a booze filled birthday bash, I think it finally got through, that maybe she was, I hate to use the term but, a rebound to him, and that maybe their time was through. That maybe they had been what the other one needed, a crutch to get through the hurt they felt, until they were ready to move on and up.
So… she stopped coming to shows, and she stopped talking to the both of us. And I felt some guilt for that, because even though they werent a ‘they’… they were a something. Right?

I knew she had some form of resentment for me, because she wasnt in a good and happy place when things happened. But… she moved on, and found happiness, and love, and I was happy for her, even though we werent friends.

So fast forward to last week, a babysitter and a couple of beers, and Jeremy and I head out on the town to see the band that started it all for us.  We had some friends in town and wanted to show them a good time.
Not ten minutes after we arrived however, so did the long lost girl. And I thought, what better time to start anew. And I smiled and tried to say hello to her.
And she looked right through me.

And I realized that maybe she hadnt forgiven and forgotten.  And I felt guilty again.

I felt guilty for ‘stealing’ something that wasnt even there. But why?

So my issue for the past few days has been… when does the whole ‘bros before hos’ or ‘chicks before dicks’ mentality end, if ever?
WHen youre fifteen you wouldnt dare date your ex’s friends, and when your nineteen, the thought of dating your friends ex is just wrong, and if you sleep with him, youre a slut.
You stick with your girls, its like, an unspoken rule. But… when does that end?
And really, if you like someone who ‘saw’ someone you know, but arent close with, should you stay away?  Youre just doing a disservice to yourself, instead of another girl, arent you? ANd what ever happened to looking out for number one?

When does following your heart come into play? And really, should you ever feel bad for doing so?

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “She hates me, she hates me not…?

  1. i REALLY REALLY don’t think you’ve done anything to feel bad about, from what you’ve shared. And chicks before dicks? Totally applies to YOUR chicks, only.

  2. I don’t think you have anything to worry about! Maybe she really did forgive and completely forget! Maybe she had something major on her mind that fogged her thinking. I admit to doing things like not hearing people when they say HI or not see them when they are right in front of me. It’s certainly not because of ill feelings, it’s more like sleep deprivation. 🙂

  3. vancityrockgirl

    agreed.
    chicks before dicks really only applies to YOUR chicks.
    not all women in general. fuck, we’d never get anything done if that was the case 😛

    but really… nothing to feel bad about.
    and if she does place this anger on you, it’s her deal, not yours.
    and she should get over it and move on.
    people that live in the past are sad lonely bitter people.

  4. Caitlin

    loooooove the new blog layout.

    and stop feeling guilty, lady. you did nothing wrong.

  5. Char

    Call me what you will but I totally believe in fate, and in my books you were obviously meant to be with Jeremy no ands, ifs or butts that is what the universe was consipring for. You can’t fight fate, and as a result you have a blessed life and a beautiful bebee girl!

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