I spent the afternoon over at my mom’s new place. I love going to my mother’s house for two reasons; one – its impecibally clean, decorated in a calm blue and white and silver just-came-home-from-the-beach-and-threw-it-on-the-walls type theme, and gives me hope for my future, since half my genes lie in her, and two – because she plays with Madelyn ALL. AFTERNOON. LONG. So the moments that I feel like a failure for not picking her up and trucking her around with me all when we’ve already played exersaucer, and tummy time, and practicing sitting up, and peek-a-boo, and look outside at all the flowers, and, and, and (you get the picture), my mom comes and scoops her up and SHE does all the Maddy games. And I sit on the couch. And drink a cup of coffe. And just exist.
Anyways, thats not the point of this blog.
On the way home, to meet my man friend, I was listening to my current lust cd. I have a major heart-on for Sarah Bareilles. Shes like, this syrupy sweet jazz pop that I am totally having a dirty little affair on Radiohead with. Shhh, dont tell.
Anyways, I was vaguely paying attention to the drive home and disappearing into the heartsick ‘Between the Lines’ (track seven). I have this habit, and it means no ill will on my wonderful life, of pretending Im someone else when I am listening to some songs. Losing myself in the lyrics, or the idea behind the song and imaging its me writing this song, singing it *and oh yes, I sing it in my car. Alone* and that some boy done gone and did me wrong. I make believe Im in a movie. This is the part where our heroine has finally figured it out, and dropped that lousy man she was stuck with for so many years, and shes driving down the highway in a beat up chevy with the windows all down in like, Alabama or something. And shes so happy to finally be free and looking forward to the begining of my new life, because I love movies with new beginings, and shes singing, and shes laughing. And the music is playing, and everyone in the theatre is feeling warm fuzzies, and so proud of our little heroine learning and growing up all by herself.
And then I heard Madelyn making weird noises from her carseat, pulling me out of my mind-movie. So I turned the music down to see if she was crying, or choking, or God knows. And I start to smile so big I know I look crazy to the man in the Subaru next to me. Because my sweet beautiful baby girl? Shes singing with her raspy little new voice, cooing away happily.
And I found myself wondering what the movie that is playing out right now in her little brain is like.