I dont even know if there is anyone still out there. I’d almost forgotten this place myself.
Im not going to apologize for taking time away. I dont need to, I know. I needed to not worry about feeling guilty for not writing for people to see. Ive been doing plenty of it on my own, in all honesty. And Im hella proud of it. How many people do I know right now that are planning on writing a book? The number grows daily. Add my name to that list. I am not planning, however, I am doing. I have been writing a story that has been spining in my head since I was eighteen. I know the exact day it wedged itself in between sinful thoughts of my boyfriend, and my starbucks partner number. Engrained. Its about time I let it out.
So, I have been away. but also here, kinda, ya dig? Ive been readin your blogs lovies, keeping up with you. Watching you grow and laughing at your jokes. I just needed some quiet time. I needed no expectations of anyone else. Even though… Im pretty sure I actually place them on myself, not anyone else. If that makes sence.
I dont know how many days I sat feeling hollow, watching my beautiful baby girl play, happily and inquisitively, by herself. She should be playing with me, I should be smiling back at her when she giggles and coos up at me, I shouldnt be sitting across the room from her, feeling empty and lonely and wrong. How many nights I said “Im right behind you, I just want to check one thing” and pull out my laptop while J went to bed, and found myself hours later, doing nothing. Except distancing myself from him. HOw many dinner dates or movies or walks Ive declined with friends, or even agreed to, only to cancel an hour before. A headache, tired, got caught up, busy, forgot. Any excuse. Im finding that Im really good at coming up with excuses instead of participating in my life. Im changing that.
I dont want to miss out on important moments in my friends’ lives, or vis versa. I dont want to ignore my cell phone, or pretend I have other plans, and push myself further away from people who have been the world to me for years, and find myself alone, and miserable because I didnt value who I had.
I dont want to lose the kind of honesty and trust that I have with Jeremy. I dont want to give him any cause for concern, whether its if I want to marry him still, or if I am happy with our life. I dont want him to ever stop wanting to make our life good, and happy and safe and continually growing stronger.
I want to make every memory possible with Madelyn. I dont want to wish I had taken her for more walks, and seen her amazed at seeings birds for the first time. I dont want to find that its the night before I return to work, my entire year of maternity leave over before I got the chance to appreciate having the whole day every day with my baby. I dont want to look up to see why shes been making the same noise over and over, only to see that shes looking right at me, trying to get MY attention, trying to tell me she wants ME. It makes my heart hurt just thinking about it. Im missing out on her.
I am missing out on so many things. Or… I was. I dont know exactly how it changed, but it happened slowly, over weeks and days, inching along until I woke up one morning and felt… good. I felt back to me. Old me, normal me, good me.
So Im waking up and smiling, because I have good toothpaste, and comfy underwear, and a beautiful home, and fresh coffee, and a amazingly happy daughter, and a beautiful fiance, and good true friends, and words. I forgot how much it enriched my life when I wrote. Really wrote. Not updates and quizes. My writing, the stuff I pull from my heart. I just had to remind myself, that all those little peices I was neglecting? They are big peices of my heart. And it doesnt work when everything isnt there, tucked in together, pumping and pushing and moving the life around inside of me.
I missed you. But… I missed me more.