I had a bad day today.
Well, it started as a bad night. Actually, if we are being technical, it started as a good night, which progressed to a bad night, and then an equally bad, if not worse day following.
Warning: Cryptic musings to follow.
My life is facing some new challenges as of late. Challenges that maybe I knew were coming for a long time… but have recently become more than I can bear.
I feel like Ive been treading water for too long, and my muscles are sore, and its getting cold out, and I dont think I can keep fighting to keep my head above the water. I feel like Im about to give up, and Im too tired to push through feeling like that.
I swore I wouldnt give up. That I would be a fighter, and stronger than any of the examples I was given growing up. But… the reality is… I am finding it hard to remember what I was so hell bent on fighting for.
Too many of the same problems. Too many trips over the same root as I circle the tree. Every. Fucking. Time.
God knows why I dont just learn to step a bit higher. Pick up my feet. God knows why I constantly pick myself up, brush the dirt off my hands and start circling again.
But Im tired. And I dont know how many more times I can get up off the ground and fill my lungs with another deep breath, convincing myself to try again. Im tired of trying again.
Or how much longer I can kick my legs, churning the water around me, desperate to stay afloat.
Or some other struggling life analogy.
And after a good start to last night, and a bad ending, followed by an even worse day…. I dont know how much longer I can be tired of being tired.
Because… maybe its time to pick up my feet and leave this tree and its tangled roots behind. Or stop swimming.
Or fucking grow up and deal with it.