Category Archives: life update

If you want to be happy, be.

I dont even know if there is anyone still out there. I’d almost forgotten this place myself.
Long time.

Im not going to apologize for taking time away. I dont need to, I know. I needed to not worry about feeling guilty for not writing for people to see. Ive been doing plenty of it on my own, in all honesty. And Im hella proud of it. How many people do I know right now that are planning on writing a book? The number grows daily. Add my name to that list. I am not planning, however, I am doing. I have been writing a story that has been spining in my head since I was eighteen. I know the exact day it wedged itself in between sinful thoughts of my boyfriend, and my starbucks partner number. Engrained. Its about time I let it out.

So, I have been away. but also here, kinda, ya dig? Ive been readin your blogs lovies, keeping up with you. Watching you grow and laughing at your jokes. I just needed some quiet time. I needed no expectations of anyone else. Even though… Im pretty sure I actually place them on myself, not anyone else. If that makes sence.
I dont know how many days I sat feeling hollow, watching my beautiful baby girl play, happily and inquisitively, by herself. She should be playing with me, I should be smiling back at her when she giggles and coos up at me, I shouldnt be sitting across the room from her, feeling empty and lonely and wrong. How many nights I said “Im right behind you, I just want to check one thing” and pull out my laptop while J went to bed, and found myself hours later, doing nothing. Except distancing myself from him.  HOw many dinner dates or movies or walks Ive declined with friends, or even agreed to, only to cancel an hour before. A headache, tired, got caught up, busy, forgot. Any excuse. Im finding that Im really good at coming up with excuses instead of participating in my life. Im changing that.
I dont want to miss out on important moments in my friends’ lives, or vis versa. I dont want to ignore my cell phone, or pretend I have other plans, and push myself further away from people who have been the world to me for years, and find myself alone, and miserable because I didnt value who I had.
I dont want to lose the kind of honesty and trust that I have with Jeremy. I dont want to give him any cause for concern, whether its if I want to marry him still, or if I am happy with our life. I dont want him to ever stop wanting to make our life good, and happy and safe and continually growing stronger.
I want to make every memory possible with Madelyn. I dont want to wish I had taken her for more walks, and seen her amazed at seeings birds for the first time. I dont want to find that its the night before I return to work, my entire year of maternity leave over before I got the chance to appreciate having the whole day every day with my baby. I dont want to look up to see why shes been making the same noise over and over, only to see that shes looking right at me, trying to get MY attention, trying to tell me she wants ME. It makes my heart hurt just thinking about it. Im missing out on her.
I am missing out on so many things. Or… I was. I dont know exactly how it changed, but it happened slowly, over weeks and days, inching along until I woke up one morning and felt… good. I felt back to me. Old me, normal me, good me.
So Im waking up and smiling, because I have good toothpaste, and comfy underwear, and a beautiful home, and fresh coffee, and a amazingly happy daughter, and a beautiful fiance, and good true friends, and words. I forgot how much it enriched my life when I wrote. Really wrote. Not updates and quizes. My writing, the stuff I pull from my heart. I just had to remind myself, that all those little peices I was neglecting? They are big peices of my heart. And it doesnt work when everything isnt there, tucked in together, pumping and pushing and moving the life around inside of me.

I missed you. But… I missed me more.


Filed under health, life update

August 29, 2009

Today I parted with my Seven hundred and fifty dollar deposit. And I can officially say that this is where I will be getting married on August 29, 2009 (well, its the wedding packages anyways, the actual wedbsite was boring, but there are a few pictures).


I am so thrilled. Its beautiful, and a touch fancier than I could ever hope to be, and does SO many of the little things, that I get to focus on the fun part. Like dresses, and flowers, and cake. YAY YAY YAY! Oh, and the song. We picked the song we are going to walk down the asile to. SO sweet. Its ‘Today’ by Joshua Radin.  Take a listen.


By the time my wedding actually rolls around I have a feeling people will no longer be reading my blog, because they will be sick of wedding shiz. I apologize in advance.

Jer’s cousin had her baby a couple of days ago, and I litterally jumped around when I heard, I was so excited. Its weird, I dont normally get that thrilled about people popping out kids. I cant wait to see  him. And then look at my old child in horror after realizing just HOW much she has grown.


Filed under life update, Wedding

Friday Five

1. Today he bought my ring. Its beautiful. Its white gold and has a charming princess cut rock perched happily atop. No, it is not a cushion cut. But it is just as beautiful. And he picked it himself.

2. I have two crowns on my head. You know the spiral, or whirl, atop your head where your hair grows in different directions? Well, everyone has one. I have two, which is very VERY extraordinary.

3. I may have completely rearranged my wedding plans. Venue has changed, bridesmaids have changed and my guest list keeps growing, I keep dreaming.

4. I feel super guilty for not posting all week. But dudes, Ive been crazy busy.

5. Im kind of obsessed with Gossip Girl and Mad Men.


Filed under Friday Five, life update

Friday Five

1. I dyed my hair back to brown. NOt really my natural hair colour, but a warm chocolate brown, perfect for fall. So… no more vibrant red highlights at this point. Maybe again though.

2. I am back to normal. Meaning, I got my period today for the first time in nearly a year and a half. MAN, that was something I could have done without for a while longer.

3. I ate a teenburger for lunch today. I cannot even remember the last time I ate that crap, and as a result, I can still feel it sitting there, bulging in my stomach.

4. I finally settled on a cushion cut diamond. And, its conflict-free, which is good for humanity. But, it makes me feel like a bit of a spoiled brat.

5. I was sad this morning, when I saw the sunshine, because I love rainy days the most.

There you go, five true facts about me, today.


Filed under Friday Five, life update, Uncategorized

I have reccently become aware of the vast array of visitors this blog gets. Makes sence right? Its the world wide web. More people than I can control visit this site. And I know this based on my blog stats, kind of.
The problem is, that you never know EVERYONE that comes here.

And I feel the need to express my appologies to any person who feels hurt by anything I say here. I mean no ill will. This is catharsis. It is freedom. It is mine.  Its the only thing I get completely for me.

But I never meant to hurt you. Truly. Even though our lives are no longer connected, I would never wish things badly for you, or try to hurt you, or your character. I admire you, throughout our entanglements, and wish you very very well.  Im sorry for disrespecting any part of you.

And to anyone who reads this blog, please take into consideration that there are many sides to a story, many faccets, and this is just mine. Sometimes it may be biased. Sometimes there may be peices that I dont know about that are missing. Take it at face value, but know that, as in life, there is always more.

This is just my story.  Everyone has one.  

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Filed under life update

The Jar Budget.

SO Jeremy posted a blog about this, and spoke about it on the radio, and I think its garnered a lot of interest, so I decided to blog about it too.

We have inflicted a state of broke on ourselves.

We decided to put our spending and lifestyle on a diet. We have goals, we have plans, and we dont get any closer to them flittering money away on junk.

We are getting married, we have actually picked the date and place. November 10, 2009, Puerto Vallarta. I have ring expectations, no denying that. And bottom line is, the way we spend our money, I dont get my honking rock.


We want Madelyn to have a good upbringing, and dont want to worry about being able to afford things, for her or her future sibling(s).

We want to go places, own a home with a yard, invest in our lives.

Enter: The jar budget.

So, you sit down, maybe with excel, because lets face it, I love me some excel spreadsheets, and you put it all down on paper.

First, your total household income, after the tax man, before ‘life’. You can do it separately, but it was easiest in our situation,  in a two income household, to put ALL the money that comes in, because it saves having to break down ‘mine and yours’.
From that total you subtract what I refer to as you A PAYMENTS. This is the MUST list. YOur mortgage or rent, your hydro bill, cable, internet, phone, life insurance, loans. The bills.

Ok, now after those are all subtracted from your income, you have a new total.
From this total you deduct your B PAYMENTS. THis is the perks list, and it can contain anything you feel you need to have and pay for every month. Ours?  Entertainment, the gym, Baby, Groceries, Clothes/Gifts and Gas.
(Now we can argue that groceries and baby should be on the A payments list, because they are non-negotiable, but in our case it was easier for us to make A payments solely bills – dont worry though, the baby obviously gets diapers and we obviously eat.)

Here’s the key, you take out ALL the B PAYMENTS in cash, divvy it up and store it in the labeled jars.

(Obviously barring any emergency)

What makes this ‘diet’ work is creating a false sence of ‘broke’. When the money in your entertainment fund is out? Well, no more movies til next month. Tough luck.  You have to be strict.

The beauty? YOu can do it on any income level, and living in a cash only world allows you to build some form of savings. The money left over after all A and B PAYMENTS are out is savings. Its gravy.

In our case its diamond rings. Its vacations. Its debt free living.

Thats our goal. Opperate debt free. And we will. We just have to be frugal now. We set our bar and our goals, and we will get there.

Of course issues may arise, emergencies or WEMUSTHAVETHISNOW’s, and the money will be there, but until that time we have to pretend its not. We HAVE to, or we are constantly swimming in a circle and living paycheque to paycheque.

I think the beauty of this budget is that it CAN be adapted to anyone. You change your jar lables, you change the figures, and you MAKE yourself live within the cash flow.

Maybe the key is getting out of this ‘plastic world’ mindset we all put ourselves in. Its convinient, yes, but is it worth it?

We’ll see.


Filed under life update

Oy, Canada.


Thats a sigh, not a scream. The two have always confused me when written. I never know if Im supposed to be breathing a sigh of relief for whom Im reading, or creeping to the edge of my seat along with them. But fear not, this stat holiday, I sigh.

Its nine thirty, my baby girl is bathed, clean diapered, boobed and in bed. Out. Cold.

Jer is djing down at a local bar tonight. All can-con for the local drunkies downtown for the fireworks. I will not be partaking in the festivities this year. No, not I.

Im home, alone, and couldnt be happier. Dont get me wrong, I am very patriotic. I love my country as much as the next guy, Im just way too comfy on my couch.

I have, in the past, donned canada day deely boppers or fashioned a dress out of a flag and cheerfully shouted patriotically with the masses. But not this year.

I have drank luke warm beer out of plastic cola bottles, shared cigarettes with strangers and peed in (mostly) abandoned parking lots. But not this year.

This year I wandered about with my family in the glorious sunshine this afternoon, bbqued my man and me some dinner, and tucked in my kidlett.

I have had her puke on me this year, no need for a drunk teenager sardined in beside me.  I would rather watch online episodes of Mad Men (my new obsession) instead of this city’s terrible excuse for a fireworks display. Maybe Im getting old, but I just dont feel the urge this year.

So now? Now Ima sit down and read a book and drink a very good cup of coffee.

THAT is my idea of a good time, this year.


Filed under life update