Horrible Quality (thank you, Blackberry) but man, I freaking love this child.
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I am thinking of starting a paper link chain around my cubicle… A little folded link for every week between now and December 30th. Every Friday I will ceremoniously cut through another link. Another week gone away. I am quitting December 30th. I am elated. I am going back to school. I am going to get a job I want to do. A job that means something to me. A job that isnt simply a paycheque . A job that makes being away from Madelyn all. day. long. worth it ub the end. Yeah, Im excited.
Can you tell?
Oh, the things I would say on my last day, if I had the balls, and sane coworkers.
Six and a half months. Sigh.
I read a lot of blogs, and I guess Im one of those people who kind of hangs out, watching peoples lives unfold from the corners. Im quiet, Im shy. But I think of those women, and their lives often. They are a part of mine.
One of the women, who’s blog I read regularily, and whos baby girl and mine share a name, has been heavily featured on EVERY blog I read. Her little girl passed away. At 17 months. No parent should ever feel what she and her husband are undoubtedly feeling today.
Another blogger wrote on how hard it was to explain her relationship with this little baby, and her mom. It is complicated. But we know the women who’s lives we read. We know their babies, and their husbands, and their exes. We know their struggles, and their joys. Theres a connection that is being made around the world that is still so hard to understand.
I know when I read the news yesterday, that I cried, big hard sobs, for that baby. And I know last night I brought my Maddy into our bed and slept with my face pushed against her neck, never wanting to let her go. I know a lot of mothers who held their kids a little tighter, and kissed them a little more. I know we all felt that in our hearts yesterday.
My heart goes out to Heather and Mike, and their families.
Madeline Alice Spohr.
November 11, 2007 – April 7, 2009.
Rest in peace baby girl.
Today is the one year anniversary of Madelyn’s due date. She was actually four days late, and so will be a year in four days.
Oh. My. God.
1. I hate pineapple. On pizza, in drinks or any pineapple flavoured thing.
2. I dont eat anything from the sea. I tried desperately to like crab and shrimp, because they always look so delicious on other peoples plates. But I cant eat seafood without violently gagging.
3. I have moved 28 times. When I was a kid I can remember moving an average of once a year. I started so many new schools in January, because for some reason, we always moved mid-school year. And no, my parents arent in the military… they just liked to move.
4. When I was a kid I was a big liar, and I lied about the dumbest things too. I once told my mom and my friends mom that a man had followed me at the park and tried to kidnap me, because I was mad at my friend for leaving the park without me, and I wanted to teach her a lesson. Apparently I was mean spirited too.
5. When I was in grade two my parents seperated. While visiting my dad once my sister and I were playing at a park with a group of younger kids. I got mad and cornered one of them at the edge of the park and threatened to beat her up. I didnt, but for years I felt horribly guilty every time I saw that fence, because I thought it knew.
6. I am hugely vain about my hair. It is the only thing I believe to be beautiful about me, and I obsess about it.
7. I love condiments. The more the merrier.
8. A boy I once saw used to pick flowers for me from the gardens of the houses between his house and my work. The relationship didnt prosper, but its still one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.
9. I am feircely loyal to anyone I love, friend, family or otherwise, but I am slow to forgive once I have been hurt, and can have a hard time letting go of past problems.
10. Up until my 20 week ultrasound I was very on the fence about having a baby. I still regularily contemplated having an abortion. Then, I saw the tiniest foot, and then a delicate little spine, and an ittie bittie heart beating with such force. And my breath hitched. And my eyes welled. And my own heart started pounding. And I hope one day she knows how strongly I loved her from that moment on.
11. Motherhood has been the single most difficult and simultaneously simple job I have ever had.
12. I had blue eyes until I was twelve, and then they turned grey, and then at fifteen they turned green.
13. I want to be a writer (when I grow up).
14. I have always wished I knew how to play the guitar, but I havent the discipline to teach myself, and music lessons intimidate me so badly.
15. I can sing, fairly well too, but Im terribly shy, and you will probably never hear me. I was in vocal jazz and choir in highschool… I have never sang for Jeremy.
16. I cannot whistle.
17. I had a recurring nightmare as a child about the michellin tire man, chasing me, and I STILL cannot look at him in commercials.
18. I have moles in the pattern of Cassiopeia on my arm, and I think the writers of ‘Serendipity’ stole that from me.
19. I lost my virginity in Greece. To an Albanian. But if you ask my father, it was with Jeremy, the day Madelyn was conceived, and that was the only time ever.
20. I love hot sauce. Jeremy bought a jar of Mo:le’s hot sauce and put it in my stocking. Being pregnant was torture, because I had such bad heartburn I could hardly ever eat any.
21.I love going out for breakfast any time of the day. Especially if it involves pesto potatoes and mo:le’s hot sauce.
22. I am allergic to penicillin and sulfa drugs. I found those both out the hard way.
23. I havent spoken with my brother since my sisters wedding six years ago. I randomly saw him at silvercity when I was seven months pregnant, and was too stunned to yell his name. I have no clue if he even knows about Madelyn.
24. I have never broken a bone.
25. I had a twin brother.